News

In the News this week...

WSBnG News

Randy still hasn't got any yet! Randy, the infamous WSBnG contributor, has gone an extended period of time now without getting laid. "I dunno. I must be in some sort of slump or something." declared Randy when this reporter spoke with him in his office at lunch time. Having consulted his wall calendar, Randy sits across from me with vacant eyes and a look of hopelessness. "I may contact an organ donor society to see if they may want my Little Randy. I'm not getting much use out of now and may never again the way things are going." says Randy after I ask him if what the future holds. "What about Daphne?" I ask the bewildered Randy. "Nope! Especially not after that Sound Off I did on women talking too much." Randy replies. I mention to him that I'll be back soon to see how things are going, pick up my notebook off his stack of adult magazines and quickly left his office.

Darian gets another friend. "Yeah! Mom got a pay raise and now she's hired another person to be my friend." shouts Darian when I confronted him with the office rumor. Darian informs me "I'm up to 3 friends now. If things keep going like they are, I'll have five friends by next year, adjusted for inflation of course. I'm knee deep in friends right now so I'll take it kinda slow ya' know." After congratulating Darian I left to search the employment ads for a more normal company to work for.

Local News

Obese woman wears spandex to the grocery. Yep, that's right. The whole store was pandemonium when this reporter arrived. People were shielding their children's eyes and most were fleeing to their cars. "I can't believe she would have the gall to do that, especially during a busy Saturday morning." a shocked cashier, Kelly confides. Another man, whom wishes not to be identified, said "I blew lunch man! I had just scarfed down a ham and cheese and then Pow! here she comes. I ran for the bathroom and hurled!" This reporter heard the screams of "Oh, the humanity! The humanity!" from some distant aisle. 

When Ted Sutton, the store's vegetable specialist and local beer burp champion, was approached, he wipes his muddy hands on his apron and beams "I kinda thought she cute." 

Editorial note: I do not recommend meat being purchased from the store mentioned in this reporting.

World News

A German Tornado jet fighter accidentally opened fire on a Dutch military flight tower during a routine training mission, the Dutch defense ministry says.

No one was injured in the incident at North Sea island of Vlieland, although three people were inside the tower when it was hit by seven 27-millimeter rounds fired by the Tornado's wing cannons, a spokesman for the defense

 ministry said.

The cause of the accidental shooting was not immediately clear, the spokesman said Thursday.

"They are examining the case now," he said.

The 15-meter tower was struck about midway up, well below the glass-enclosed area occupied by the three people, he added.

German and Dutch pilots routinely use the island for maneuvers with live ammunition. The western half of the island is owned by the Dutch government, and the closest town is about six miles from the site.

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